Kasih Sayang

A video & a conversation just now caused me to think of the past.. looking back a little on my childhood.. my family.. and also my current life.. I remember a secondary school teacher (I forgot who), who used to joke with students: "tak cukup kasih sayang kerr?"

Indeed, I really feel that I lack of 'kasih sayang' in my life thus far.. maybe I'm demanding too much, or for a perfectionist like me would never get enough of it, haha.. Ya, I may not seem to be one.. but in fact I use to be a perfectionist in many aspects of my life, at least, my thoughts are.. =)

Often when talking about these, people will tend to say things like "hey you know what, you are much more fortunate than the Africans who are in need.. bla bla" so to get things clear first, I'm comparing myself to people who seems to belonged to the 'same world' as me, eg. age, financial, etc. I realised that I don't have a brilliant childhood like many other friends do have; I realised that I don't have a family which I can be myself and share my deepest thoughts; and I have not been through any relationship before.. Some people may just leave 'relationship' outta their life, but I consider it as part of the 'kasih sayang' that many people will go through.. The girls I like I'll just never get.. I had experiences previously that, even if we both loved each other and we knew it, it'll just not happen due to some reasons.

God. God is love. However, I just gotta admit that I'm not really close to God most of the times.. I just don't feel it sometimes.. Anyway, faith is going on.. sharing my problems with God is like the greatest thing I could do in my life.

In fact I'm waiting for an answer from someone.. I don't know if the answer is coming to me one day, I hope it's not too far away, and most importantly I hope there will be an answer, and not just a no ending thing.. I'm afraid, therefore I don't put too much hope on it.. but yea, I wish it would happen.. I don't dare to pressure, I don't dare to ask for the answer, I don't dare to talk too much as I might sound disturbing, I don't know how and what to express sometimes.. argh, I just don't know what am I saying anymore..

I was questioned that why am I not sleeping yet, I said that I'm doing something important.. indeed, this is a place for me to release, which is somewhat important.. *knock knock* I wonder there's still reader for this blog anyway, HAHA! Good night to myself.